It’s been a long while since I updated this blog. The husband got a job that’s left the bulk of child and grandparent care to me. This isn’t a bad thing and I don’t want to come across as complaining, just not much free time. Many nights before work husband would stay up to drink a couple beers and get time to himself and I would go to bed shortly after son with the hope I can wake up before him and get some Me Time in. Every now and then I’d get that time and I’d use it to play around a little on the internet and then dive into my writing.
I even managed to get a first draft. Now I need to go back in and edit except my thoughts are obsessively focused on an upcoming job interview.
Ever since I got the phone call about the interview the anxiety has kicked in high gear. All it takes is for me to think about the interview and the shaking and heart palpitations begin. Friday I tried to call the administrative assistant and had to make notes for myself, visualize the phone call going well several times over, and a repeated mantra that it’s not a big deal–people make phone calls all the time, to call and find out the office is closed Fridays for the summer.
Now I have to try again Monday….
My insurance changed and I have to call to change PCPs for myself and son. I’ve been putting that off too because phone call. Tried doing it over the internet and the damned website kept giving me an error message and to try this phone number. No. I don’t want to talk to a live person over the phone.
I keep thinking how it’d be a lot better if I had therapy before the interview but I’ve put that off for so long too that there’s no way I’m going to get an appointment in time, or have any benefit if I do.
What kills me the most about this is how much I want that job. It’s doing what I most want to do, in a great area with amazing schools that isn’t overpopulated, that will give me some time to work on my writing. Who knows how many other people will be interviewed, how qualified they are, and how not crippled by anxiety they are. I try not to build it up in my head. I try using positive, gentle language with myself.
The only thing that’s going to get me past this is to over prepare. Then that’s what I ought to do because the obsessive thoughts are cranking up again.
a moment to breathe 