So, here it is: the day of decision. Had the interview with the VP of instruction yesterday and was told I’d receive a call either then or today and I had a pretty good feeling that it wouldn’t be quite so soon after. One other guy made it to the final interview and we saw each other and nodded, smiled, “Hello”, “good luck” and hm, a bit awkward that.
I like the college a lot. I like everything I’m hearing about it. There’s not a doubt in my mind that it’d be a crazy load of work, especially the first year but as long as I make it through that then I think I’ll be okay.
It was so hard to get an idea of where I stood with the VP. She had a poker face going the whole time and did quite a bit of talking. She asked a few questions and I stumbled on one because I wasn’t expecting it at all despite it being a simple question. So, even though everything else seems to be in my favor that one question and the way I handled it is causing some massive doubt. Plus the blank expression. She was polite, nice, and I didn’t feel overly nervous seated across from her, yet I kept searching for something, anything to let me know where I stood and couldn’t pick up anything.
Once I got home I crashed–laid down on the floor crashed. Three weeks of intense panic, studying till my brains could’ve leaked through my ears, the two nights before not sleeping, then the day before and day of not eating much. All I’d had to eat before my 3 pm interview was a breakfast shake and so by the time I got home, 5:30, my stomach was a twisted knot of pain and this time not from nerves.
I fell into bed around 10 and slept straight through till 5 am when my mind immediately latched on today’s inevitable phone call and so, no point in staying in bed letting my thoughts get out of control. It’s better to sit in front of the keyboard and give them a somewhat tidy home.
Today I have an appointment with the doctor. I’m planning to bring up my anxiety with her and ask her about medication. I also have to call mental health services to set up an appointment for counseling.
What’s funny about all this is how I lived a huge chunk of my life with anxiety and depression and had no idea that I had a treatable condition, just accepted it for who I was and that I was always going to be a freak social outcast who was terrified of simple errands like grocery shopping. When medication was 1st suggested to me, I balked. No way. This is who I am. How can you fix that? Eventually, after seeing a different psychiatrist for therapy, I changed my mind and the world that opened to me… I had no idea I could live that kind of life. You know, a social life. Still, I was every bit as socially awkward as before because apparently you can’t learn social cues from a pill, but I also didn’t care nearly as much. And since I’ve been off meds for a while and I know all this, I know that I don’t have to live the way that I am now, I so desperately want to be back on medication.
In all honesty, let’s say that they offer me this job, if I’m not on meds there’s no way I can do it. It’ll be like what I’ve been dealing with the past 3 weeks, only these past 3 weeks I was able to be a hermit mostly and channel that nervous energy into research. Teaching is all about projection. It’s an obnoxiously extroverted profession, yet I love it because I’m interested in people and helping them better themselves. Rephrase: when I’m on meds I love teaching. Off meds and I tolerate it.
Now that that’s behind me I should also turn more to writing. Tons of editing and rewriting to do on that bad boy and tomorrow I might be in a decent mental state for it, no matter what I hear from the phone call.
a moment to breathe 