Four days ago I had another hospital visit. Supposedly today will be the last. If the beta levels go down to the doctors satisfaction, I won’t have to return to the hospital and have only the occasional clinic visit.
I’m still carrying pain around.
It had been hanging out in my pelvic area, generally on the left, radiating to my lower back. The night before my last visit it had had me curling up in a hot shower at 4 am, chanting to myself, Please just stop. Please just stop….
Eventually I crawled out, thinking that it had abated when I was overcome with an urge to vomit. I collapsed right there in front of the toilet and waited. Nothing happened but I could feel the blood drain from my face, my entire body shaking, world rocking, and a part of me wanted to vomit. Maybe it would help me feel better.
I didn’t. Instead, after some moments had passed, I crawled to my feet and staggered back to bed.
I slept hard. When I woke up later in the morning, I felt like someone had been using me as a soccer ball. Even though I didn’t have this kind of pain for the rest of the day, I was tender with myself, the cramps there at their lowest setting just waiting for me to get ambitious so they could kick into high gear sending me back onto a couch, bed, or the floor wondering why I needed to always overdo it.
I don’t know if this is something that others who’ve had the methotrexate injections experience or if it’s more specific to an ectopic pregnancy.
That last visit the doctor seemed unsure about my numbers. After pushing her she assured me that they’d dropped within their safe parameters and it was okay for me to go home. Now today I’m hoping to hear the same and that it’ll be the last and I can ignore the twinges in my lower abdomen.
The best thing about the past couple days is that the pain has gone down to manageable levels, enough that I can actually feel like a mom again and do things like drink coffee and eat. Yes. Eating had become a grueling task.
Of all of this, the pain has been the absolute hardest part which if I ever have to experience worse in my lifetime all I can hope is that I pass out.
It’s those nights, like the one I described at the beginning, but it’s also the helplessness. I wasn’t able to do anything and when it came to my little boy that was the killer. At best I could help my husband change my son’s diaper. I had to give up breastfeeding. I wasn’t able to pick him up. I couldn’t even clean up his messes. That bothered me. Useless. I didn’t feel like a mom at all.
The house was going to pot all around us, my husband overwhelmed with the task of childcare all on his own. The days that I thought I had some strength and energy (and no pain) I’d dive into a chore to find myself curled up in bed shortly with that question–why do I do these things to myself….
Well. Because I desperately want to feel normal again.
During that time it was a matter of just living with my body. Now that I’ve (mostly) got the body I recognize back, I’ve returned to the business of getting my family’s life on track.
I’m so terribly sorry for all the agony you’ve experienced. XO Wishing you rest and peace and healing. XO
❤ ❤ ❤ Thank you so much for your words of healing. It means everything to me.